Deer Criminals


Ok. I get it! There are a lot of deer. But my question is why are we so proud to mount the head of one once we’ve killed it? Sure. It makes you feel like “yeah, that’s one less smart alicky hoofed animal going around bullying other forest creatures. I’m doing my part!” I mean you need a story to go along with the execution, right? You can’t just say, “yeah, he was spending quality time with his newborn and  so I shot him!” That’s horrible! So maybe you embellish a little.


“I was sitting in my tiny, baby treehouse high up in the forest canopy. Just minding my own business and then this gigantic buck walks by. My first thought was, I hope he can’t climb up a ladder. Cause if he can, I’m in big trouble. I better keep an eye on him. So then, he starts drinking all the fresh spring water from the babbling brook. Pushing and shoving all the other less fortunate baby animals. I thought to myself. Wait a minute. He can’t do that! What makes him so cool?

Then I watched him literally nibble all the little leaves off this tiny baby tree branch. Virtually stripping it of all its nutrients. You’ve got to be kidding me. Mother Nature did not intend for this my friend! Then he starts prancing around like a real tough guy. I thought he was gonna squish this tiny baby rabbit that was hopping around so I shot him. The Easter Bunny and the other downtrodden were free to roam unfettered once again! You’re welcome.”

So, then you drag him over to your 03 Chevy Cavalier and tie him to the hood and take him home. Then you get the top one third of him stuffed and keep his hooves to mount as well to make it look like he’s infinitely ready to hold a poker hand.

Now the living room wall in your wood paneling split level is complete.

Fashions of the Father

img_3970Yep. I’m a dad. Now, I don’t wear tighty whities, but my dad did. It was the style of the times. He wore them so much when I was a kid, I thought he was possibly a backup SEARS underwear model; except he didn’t have plastic hair or tucked his tshirt into his undies. He did often times go topless in them. Nothing too weird I guess, except maybe the times we would ride in the Ford Pinto over to the Texaco to run inside and get him some Winstons and a Chick-O_Stick. Those were the days that hang in my memory.

Sweet, peanut brittle, Kmart shag carpet photo lab, wood paneling, Jimmy Carter memories.

Man, I’m old! Excuse me while I rewind some cassette tapes.


Ootd: How to get the 1950’s look

Questionable Tortoise Couture

What’s up you guys? How’s your day? I hope it is going well. First off, I wanted to exclaim loudly, HOW IS IT ALREADY HALFWAY THROUGH AUGUST!!??? I’m not sure, I thought you guys might have some answers. Anyway, let’s get right into our post. Today we’ll be focusing on how to get the 1950’s look.

The 50’s were a swell time for sure!
Think about it! Everyone had their initial on their jacket, gas only cost 20 cents, and smokey the bear was stoppin’ forest fires! Yeah, it was great. So, let’s take a little trip back to the golden age.

1. Stripes

Stripes are great, and TOTALLY 50’s
Consider a striped romper. You’ll look like an early Barbie doll.?

2. High ponytail

Yes! This will look great with with some bangs in the front.

3. Audrey Hepburn sunglasses

Come on, it’s Audrey! We’re practically twins!? Ha…

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Fanny Pac-a-gram

img_0873Just in time for Valentine’s Day! Make a real fashion statement with one of the most under appreciated fashion accessories for the whole family. You’re loved ones will be so excited to open up our state of the art, fashion forward, unmarked gift wrapped extravaganza! Imagine the excitement when your hip boyfriend tries on his Knight Rider themed booty accessory. Just listening to the opening credits music to Knight Rider each time he zips and unzips the absurd amount of zippers will blow your mind! Perfect for carrying your flip phone, switchblade comb or travel Jenga! Order now, but we probably won’t sell out.

Welcome to Daddy Life

The scent of a freshly opened bag of Cheetos is heavenly!

Pants On Daddy

Okay. This is my first entry. The kids are sleeping in today and my wife is teaching Jazzercise, so I only have as few minutes before I must leave for work.

Okay. How do I prepare to write a funny blog about being a cool yet often times inept dad?

I have no IDEA!

#1 SpongeBob cup filled with Dr. Pepper and sipped through a special Disney on Ice $15 Olaf straw. Mmmmm. Delicious. Isn’t it amazing how quickly a 2 liter soda goes flat. I just bought this thing last night. What a racket! Ok. Ok. Back to business here.

#2 Cheetos! A fresh bag if u will. And of course the crunchy are always the best. I know there are some Puffy fans out there, but c’mon. Just stick your head in a freshly opened bag of crunchy Cheetos. Dang! Talk about a cheesy, cholesterol euphoria. Kind of…

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